Mortality
We need to talk about death. Sorry to bring the mood down, but it's a discussion we need to have and to create the space to have it constructively. I was never protected from its reality or remembered it being a conversation that was never off the table as a child, and I continue the same philosophy with my kids.
My father passed away on the 21st of October, 2023, aged 93, with 91 years in fortunate health. I had the privilege to sit with him two days before he passed away, albeit he was asleep and non-responsive. It was the first time I had been this close to the death of a loved one in their final days, and an opportunity I will always be grateful for.
As we started to understand that he had little time left, the conversations with my kids got more profound (and entertaining). We discussed everything from being buried (and cremated in Dad’s case) to our funeral music playlists. My daughter's opening song is Gangsters Paradise by Coolio, with her friends entering with a pre-choreographed dance. I hope I never get to see this, but I hope it’s one hell of a party to celebrate her long life.
Death is something no one likes to think about, but for all of us, is inevitable. The thought of a loved one no longer with us is often more confronting than the thoughts of our own demise. For me, this is the case. I’m not playing down death's impact on our lives at any age. Losing someone we love and care about sucks it hurts, and it should.
It's a challenging period for families to navigate, especially if little consideration or planning has been done beforehand. It all starts with having a difficult conversation sooner rather than later. Easier said than done, and who knows when we are each going to die.
If people are statistically approaching their later years, the questions need to be asked and considered by writing down their wishes.
According to the UN, the average life expectancy for 2023 is:
Australia 83.94 years
US 79.11 years
Japan 85.03 years
UK 81.65 years
If we have family members fortunate enough to reach these ages and in good health, discussions need to start regarding how they would like to spend their later years and what they want to happen in specific scenarios. The considerations vary widely depending on circumstances and cultural and spiritual beliefs. In any case, they need to be considered by all of us as family members (and ourselves) near the statistical end of their lives.
For example:
How do they want to live? Assisted living, with family, independent.
How do they want to be cared for? Family, in-home care, residential care, independent
What resources will be needed? Family assistance, finances, professional care
Which family members are best placed to assist? What are their circumstances? Are they in a position to help?
This assumes we all have the fortune to live in good health for as long as the statistics suggest. We know this isn’t the case, and life will always throw us health challenges, whether our own, friends or family. Death-like change remains constant. We must communicate our wishes to loved ones so they understand what we want and aren’t left guessing if we have the opportunity.
As much as we sometimes think we might be immortal despite centuries of humanity’s obsession to find the secret to immortality with no success, we are all mortal at the end of the day. I like that we are mortal, and it should encourage us to appreciate the 1 in 400 trillion chance of an individual human existing in the universe and the finite time we have to make an impact on the world and the people we touch.
Understand what your loved ones want in their later years and, most importantly, understand your own and tell those you love.
AV
