Perfect Parenting
I am continuing the kid theme from last week, being a parent.
It’ll be no news to you that being a parent is tough. Especially to those of you who are one, no matter the stage of the journey. I believe I’m somewhat qualified to offer thoughts on the topic with three kids, currently 8, 11 and 13. This is not a discussion about how to parent or who has had it more challenging, only my insights from the parenting journey I’ve been on. We all have our own story and way of enduring the rollercoaster of being a parent. These are my reflections on how I’ve been less than the parent I want to be in some moments.
I’ve been through the physically and emotionally turbulent years of early childhood to today, entering their early teens. Every person who has kids before you have your own tells you time goes quickly, and at least to this stage, it has. I’m under no illusions that the years to come will likely be emotionally turbulent parenting teens and probably until I kick the bucket. A parent is always a parent, right? There are and will be moments I wish I could revisit and choose how I reacted differently, and a majority of the time, the way I reacted had everything to do with what was going on in my head. Not the kids.
We can be hard on ourselves as parents and are entitled to have our moments where we are less than perfect. There is no perfect parent or child out there, and for the most part, we are doing the best we can at the time. We must acknowledge that as we parent, we can not always be the best of our parenting selves despite our best efforts. Life gets much more complicated as kids enter the picture, and balancing the conflicting priorities of life is challenging. The pressure to be the best of yourself to everyone takes its toll, and sometimes, the kids are innocent bystanders in the pressure release valve.
As you’ve undoubtedly gathered, sometimes I’ve lost my shit as a parent. None of which I’m proud of because of its impact on the kids, myself and their environment. Kids are complex, as we all are, and each has their personality with no user manual to help us deal with them as individuals. It’s a game of trial and error, emotional intelligence (hopefully) and some luck. My three kids are all strong-willed and robust with their point of view, which I encourage, yet sometimes I wish they’d brush their teeth when asked, not in a minute or why—each with a varying level of stubbornness, one in particular. What is it with ginger hair? And I love them all for it.
The times when I’ve needed to take a step back from the situation before reacting, I wished I’d taken those few seconds to take a breath and ask myself how important it is to do that task now or why I am I reacting this way for what isn’t that big a deal. Reflecting on these moments, most of my reaction boils down to something happening with me, not the kids, which is unfair. I forgive myself for these moments but don’t forget and learn from them to check myself to avoid letting my stuff affect their stuff. We all have stuff and need to work on that stuff.
For the parents out there, be kind and give yourself a break. I’ve become comfortable with the idea that my kids will not be thrilled about some of my parenting as they get older, and that's okay. Maybe they’ll understand and realise it’s no cakewalk if they are parents someday. Most of us do our best at the time and try to give our kids the best opportunity to succeed in life, but none of us will be perfect in our roles as parents. I hope we all try to be better parents each day and accept our imperfections.
Be kind, be forgiving and show up every day to be your best parent. If that doesn’t work, take some time out, scream into or punch a pillow, and take a breath or two before choosing how you react. Breathing is your best friend and underappreciated how important it is to our well-being—more on that in a future blog.
There's a 1 in 400 trillion chance that you as a person (including your kids) came into existence in our universe. Enjoy the ride.
AV
